After weeks of denial "it can't be that bad" and avoidance "what's the point worrying about something that has to happen" the fear has finally hit me.
In truth, I am utterly terrified about the whole thing, and there is no point trying to rationalise with me. I know that it is a means to an end, I know that there is a fab prize at the end, I know that women have been doing it forever, I know that women give birth all over the world in varying conditions and in most cases it is absolutely fine.
I know the facts.
I know the stats.
It isn't that I am worried that something will go wrong. I have every faith in medical professionals (and medicine for that matter) I suppose for me, it is the fear of the unknown. As you may know, if you've read the blog before, I am quite the control freak and 'somewhat' neurotic. These attributes pose several issues with regards to labour. Issue 1, I can't control when it will happen. This is most distressing for someone like me. Issue 2, I am worried about how I will behave. Whilst I hope that I am rationale, and mature. I fear I will not be. I fear I will panic and become overly stressed and start saying all sorts of mad things.
In this weeks antenatal class, we talked a lot about labour. The different stages, the various breathing techniques etc. Whilst this is all wonderfully interesting and useful, I know myself and therefore know that the second labour arrives, all of this will most likely disappear from my mind.
If you read my last post (the hospital bag) you'll know how super organised I am. Don't be fooled, this for me, is all psychological. The more I can plan & feel prepared the calmer I tend to be. The likelihood of me remembering one thing in my bag (well bags) on the day is very small. Whilst normally my over zealousness with regards to planning provides a long stretch of calm, this time it hasn't really worked.
I keep imagining the moment I feel that first contraction. The funny thing is that when this moment arrives, I imagine I will feel a sense of relief. At least then I will know that it is actually happening, rather than living in the dark.
I wish I could go back to how I felt before. Entirely numb to reality. The closer I get, the more I have to deal with it otherwise I imagine I'll struggle with it even more on the day.
I am sure you'll all tell me it is fine and that worrying is pointless, but I can't help it. Consider this can of worms officially opened!!!!